3 Full Nights of Sleep!

Connor has slept for the last 3 nights. He has not napped on those day, however, and today he napped for almost 2 hours. I suspect he will wake at some point but we will see. If he does not wake up then maybe it was street noise that was waking him as I have moved his bed to an inside wall.

I'm so happy because Mike's company has decided to halt all travel until the end of the year. We had him home for 2 weeks at Thanksgiving (home meaning no overnight travel) and now the rest of the month. We aren't going to know what to do with ourselves! I'm especially happy because next week is Sean's last week before Winter Break. It will be nice having Mike home in the evening after being home with both boys all day. I'm going to have to find lots to entertain them!

I do finally have the tree up. I can't say it's a thing of beauty since I only used child-friendly ornaments. Most of them are Sean made so it's definately not a fancy tree! Connor likes to put as many as possible on one branch so I'm constantly trying to even them out but I suspect they will go right back as soon as he is near the tree again. I'm not sure what to do with the presents. I bought plain brown paper and ink so I plan to decorate it myself and today I thought perhaps I'd just glue the wrap down so Connor can't tear it off before Christmas. Of course, Connor being Connor he just might anyway!

Okay, so awhile back I was contemplating a post telling all sorts of things about myself that most people wouldn't know. Since then I've gotten more sleep so I might not be as forthcoming as I would have but why not right!?!

The first thing I was going to say is that deep down and not so deep down I really want to get a tattoo. However, after watching a newscast of women having them removed I'm not as interested. I should note that I don't think I will get one. Obviously, it's not even something I would have ever contemplated if my mother was still alive. When I was 21, yes 21, I had 1 ear double pierced and she completely freaked out. Kept talking about rebellion and where was it going. It was really funny considering most of the girls in my high-school had both double pierced and I'm talking about the preppy rich girls. It was no big deal but to my mother it was. Strangely enough she's the one who talked my father into letting me get my ears pierced in third grade in the first place.

Okay back to the subject. I'm so rebellious that the tattoo I'd like is an ICTHUS ("Jesus fish") on my inner ankle. I just like the idea of having it with me always. On the other hand I'm not sure I'm a good enough witness to sport that permanently! I really don't think I will ever follow up on this because at my age I can't pretend it was something I did in my wild college days as none if the girls I went to school with did that. It really wasn't done much when I was in school except by some of the Sig Ep's I knew and then it was usually frat related so I thought it was cool.

On that note, yes, I was a Sig Ep Little Sister. They called them Golden Hearts and they got discontinued so no one knows what they are anymore. The first few years were fun. Sig Ep's are conservative for a fraternity so it wasn't THAT wild. It was, however, wilder then a good Christian girl should have been. On that note I'm conflicted. I deeply regret the years I wasn't living the way I should have been as a Christian. I truly wonder what God had in store for me if I would have followed his path rather than my own. On the other hand I do have some good friends and some fun memories if I allow myself to look past the shame of some of the other times.

I love to dance and I was out several times a week dancing. The places I went didn't lend themselves to good behavior and that is where my downfall was. But I do miss the dancing. I have danced on table. I was at all times fully clothed when I did so but I had a blast doing it. I have NEVER been in a wet T-shirt contest or any such thing. I did the Hawaiian Tropic thing at South Padre (the one time I went) just because I was annoyed that my friend assumed she would be the only one of us to enter. It was hilarious because even when I have a tan people tell me I need to get some sun! On the other hand people regularly think I'm about 10 years younger than I am so not tanning is always a good thing in the end. The fun thing about the contest is there were a bunch of guys from UTSA that recognized me as a Golden Heart and yelled their heads off. What an ego boost when you feel like fool.

Lets see. Hmmm...I am very frustrated as a SAHM. I'm just not domestic. Probably because my mother was so good at it and did spoil me some. I hate to clean but I like a clean house. I'm hoping Connor will keep sleeping and eventully I'll get enough energy to streamline our lives. Really, we have way too much junk. Mike and the boys are packrats and I tend to get a little panicked sometimes that I will need something I'm throwing away. I'm fighting it though and I know we will all be happier without chaos and with structure in our lives. I'm just praying I can find the energy to do it.

Okay, deep dark secret-or maybe not, I'm vain. That one is hard to believe because I'm also very insecure. The truth is I hate getting older. Hate, hate, hate it! If I had the money I'm afraid I'd do something about it. I see every wrinkle and line on my face and neck. If I lived in a cooler climate I'd probably wear turtlenecks because I have alot of sun damage on my chest and lines on my neck. I'm ashamed that it takes up so much of my thinking because I don't think how you look makes a person but I guess I'm not sure what else I have to offer. Wow, that's really sad and now you know why it's hard to admit.

I feel like I haven't accomplished enough in life. Since I'm not good at the SAHM thing and I didn't exactly have a fulfilling career I have this desperate need to do something more. I think I really need a creative outlet but I have a hard time pushing myself to start. I have ideas for cute kids shirts but I don't do it because I figure it won't go anywhere. However, one day at Target Connor an I schlepped out wearing shirts that were errors in the trial and error. The lady behind me liked them and asked me if I'd do a craft day at her MOPS. I haven't called her because they really were bad and I don't know what I'd do. I'm hoping when I get the energy that I need to clean I'll also get started on some creative outlet.

Okay, I still miss my mother so much sometimes it takes my breath away. It worries me that it's been over 3 years and I still feel that way. I also completely feel like I let her down. If I had had cancer she would have forced me to fight and exhausted everything in her to make me better. I feel like I just gave up on her because it was so hard to see her like that and with Mike in Iraq and Sean's ADHD I just didn't know what to do. I think at one time I really thought to myself, okay she will be out of pain and then we'll see what to do. I think I really couldn't believe it was happening and she wouldn't really be dead. I'm not sure what that says about my sanity at that point. I know now after having Connor, the Staph infection and the last 3 years without her to fall back on I'm a much stronger person. Most of the time at least. I wish I'd had more strength then!

Okay, well not too amazing revelations and now I'm trying to talk to DH as he drives home through the hill country so I guess I'm done for now. Maybe I'll reveal more later...