It's 10:45 Sunday morning and I'm most obviously NOT in church. I'm feeling ambivalent about my church lately. In the beginning I loved it. When my mother was sick and Mike in Iraq I went every Sunday. The last year or so I've just dragged around. I haven't been able to get myself motivated by the Wednesday morning Bible Studies and we STILL don't have Sunday School because 6 years later we're STILL meeting in a school.
I think that may be part of my unrest. I understand the low or no-debt thing but really with 800 members and 6 years of existence I think a church building would be nice. We've already paid off the $1 million plus cost of the land. We had to put a building on the lot or get hit with paying taxes (gee, I guess you can't claim tax-free status on cedar trees) but it's mostly for youth functions and training. I think they mentioned men's bible studies but not women's (????) My church is big on small groups which we've never done with Mike's work schedule. I know we're using that as an excuse but there it is.
Some people have been leaving or complaining amongst themselves that this leads to cliques. I have heard of visitors saying we are a very cliquish church (and I've heard it from old-time members as well). I do know when I went to one bible study all but 2 of us had our kids at the same exclusive Christian school (maybe when Connor is in school I can get a job to afford their tuition :) many in the same class. Even though the leader was great, I did feel excluded as they often discussed things only "insiders" would know. Oddly, one lady talked about relying on God for things because they were in the ministry and very limited on funds. I'm wondering where they came up with the thousands of dollars to pay for their kids each year. Maybe I'm just grumpy because she totally blew me off when I tried to speak to her once--actually to pay her a compliment!
The other night I found myself watching Alan Jackson's Precious Memories concert. I remember almost all those old songs from growing up. They have such spirit, such faith, and they truly move me. I think I felt the Lord more sitting in front of the TV then I have anywhere else lately. Our pastor says he's not there to feed us and that it's up to us but I still feel something missing. I know I need to build my personal time and relationship with the Lord. Still...I'm sad.